I was terribly depressed one
afternoon during the late 70’s; I was around the age of thirty. The cumulative
affect of the negative realities of my life, present and past were overwhelming
me; even in the midst of working with God's Spirit as He dealt with internal
issues, enabling me to make healthier choices and to be healed within.
While lying on the couch crying it occurred to me, giving into self pity and a victim mentality was not a healthy choice. Feeding such attitudes would only plant seeds of future oppression and serve to keep me bound to my lower nature. Rather than indulging in such, I chose to pour out my heart to Father God through my wonderings as to why my life was as it was, and my part in relationship to it all. I needed His understanding and peace within, to carry me through.
Would I ever reap the positive side of my new choices I wondered as I cried out... with a heart similar to the following words, tears still flowing,
"Father, it is written, 'In righteousness shall I be established. I shall be far from oppression; for I shall not fear, and from terror; for it shall not come near me. You are my weapon of righteousness’. You tell me to ‘trust You with all my heart and to lean not to my own understanding. To acknowledge You in all my ways’ with the promise ‘You will direct my paths… and teach me Your ways.' I am choosing to listen and obey, and I try hard to apply that which I am learning daily, aware ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and You will work all things out for the good’. Thank You for Your anointing Jesus. I can see You are indeed directing my paths Father, going before me, yet my life feels oppressive and fearful sometimes as I listen for Your Voice and follow Your teachings Jesus, through the Holy Spirit as my Teacher, who leads me into all Truth. Am I fooling myself? Do I understand wrong? Am I stupid? Where am I still off still? What am I still blind to? Is Satan deceiving me? Am I giving him power unaware, bringing a curse on myself and my family, if so I renounce and rebuke Satan once again, in Jesus’ name! Why is there so much oppression in our life still? Why is this all happening?"
I continued, "I do appreciate the prayers you’ve answered already… very much, Father. Am I trying to rush things? Do I need patience? Are my expectations off? I admit... in recent days my life has changed for the better, especially who I am inside, but last evening was pretty terrifying. Even though I understand Alcoholism is a Disease, learning to deal with someone abusive when they are drunk … and even when they are sober, is hard! Thank You for Your strength, wisdom and words as I am ever so slowly it seems, becoming aware of my tendency to enable and give my power away, through fear, especially when others are attempting to control me… with their anger or manipulate me in other ways. Thank You for teaching me… and helping me to see the difference between what is my responsibility and another’s… for giving me the discernment of knowing when false guilt rather than love … even tough love, when necessary is motivating me. Help me to love in healthy ways, please!!!"
"Holy Spirit, please keep pointing out the old tapes when they are running in my head, or coming out of my mouth. Bless You for convicting me when it’s my fault and empowering me to admit it, and work on myself, rather than blaming others for my own junk."
"Father, I had no idea how sick my thinking has been… and still is in many ways. Please keep healing me, and causing me to obey You ... no matter how much I kick and scream, please only allow Your will to be accomplished, overcome my stubborn, unredeemed nature."
"Thank You, Father, for ‘meeting all our needs according to Your riches in glory’. I know I am getting better and I do not have to understand, that I am not to lean to my own understanding but trust You to be true to Your word. I am to always acknowledge Your Presence in my life and I try to do so, daily but I would like to understand, from Your perspective if that be Your will....."
I continued praying in such a way, in the Name of Jesus, until I fell asleep.
The phone ringing over on the top of our old player piano woke me up. I jumped up startled...
Standing over me was an extremely tall figure... It looked to be solid, but I walked right through it in my effort to get to the phone. As I did so, everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. It was as if time did not exist and I was seeing into a spiritual realm or another Dimension, and in the doing was able to see an Angel. I remember saying, "Ohhhhh myyyyy Godddd!"
I was shocked, and in awe… but unafraid.
When I stepped into this figure, I felt its Essence. Although it said nothing, I knew it to be an Angel sent by God. "The Angel of the Lord!" Love and peace which surpasses understanding began filling my soul anew, healing me from within.
I cannot describe the clothing it wore in human terms for I have never seen any garb like it before or since. I knew it to be a warrior's attire of some sort, through an inner knowing. Its Presence guarding me filled me with an ever increasing awareness all is working out for the good as God promised. I perceived through my union with God, He is fighting in my behalf .... as we stand together in Spirit and in truth, united through the faith He gives me, to bring me through.
Immediately Father God's Spirit spoke to me. It was as if we were of one mind. I was given an instant awareness that fiery trials of faith... life's tribulations could both destroy our character and build it... and in some cases rebuild it. I realized... the inner transformations which took place through such events walked through with an awareness of the Spirit of God along side, and within, were a necessary part of our spiritual development.... they are a spiritual gift and not to be feared. I understood everything which had happened, and would happen, was common to man... but in my case, I was told the spiritual ways and means of the workings out of such would someday become stories I would share with others, by way of encouragement, spiritual insight and awakening of faith. I understood all was necessary and I would indeed come to the other side Victorious. I became aware there is a plan HE has for my life and I need not be afraid, I just need to rest in His love. HE has Angels watching over me, over each of us. This has proven to be true, I am now sixty two years old.
I cannot say whether the Angel was male or female. It did not seem to be either... just complete ... nor did it matter. The emphasis was not on the Angel but on Fathers actions in our life and Who He is as our loving comforter and deliverer. They ministered His love to us and are sent to Guard us and more, we cannot as yet comprehend with our finite mind.
This experience I was being given was one of knowing Angels are indeed with us... they come as messengers of love and bring His peace through representing and standing for His truth with us ... Truth made manifest through the life of Jesus and those who follow His teachings. I understood Angel's did not have a desire to be worshipped ... its desire was that we know of and trust our Heavenly Father's loving intentions towards us as His family and they desire we too be loving and devote ourselves to Him and His Family in return.
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